| the world is... tensioned sinews |
[05 Feb 2010|11:04pm] |
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mood |
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 starving artist |
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Nothing is quite working the way it should. Gears clicking up, grinding up, fucking up, each other. I've filled my days, my nights, with every mix of happiness one might try: friends, hermitage, drink, smoke, inside, outside, and it seems one thing sticks true: it ain't enough, and God how I miss her. She doesn't even know, but I want to bawl like a punk, overwhelmed with gain and loss and grace and remorse. Everything.
I've half-tried looking for a job. There are possibilities, but really all I want is to hone my art(s): writing, poeting, guitarring, language, philosophy, not to mention these laxing muscles. I did 30+ pushups straight today, and Jackson and I ran about all evening yesterday, and me in heavy Winter boots, unable to match his stride almost at any point. Such is life.
We got Nerf guns, and also Hanes dark undershirts to bleach symbols on to. I put an om on the left shoulder of my grey one, and I think it turned out nicely. Had to make stencils, and learn how to play Sex and Candy with him, and wait. I was supposed to pick the shirt up this morning, but my time slot was limited and he was having a morning wank or something. I love that guy so much, man. No two ways about it. Wish he hadn't sent that text, of course. It makes me uneasy just after everything, and not to mention I have my own limitations either way. Nonetheless, sitting in my car, parked, yesterday, I told myself sternly several times: "Get the fuck over it." Or would "several times, sternly" sound better?
Anyway. Today. I tried to donate plasma, failed (low iron), stopped by Stan's cos he needs me to watch his cat, and he asked me to help him clean his place (for pay, of course). That took a moment or two, but then I was done, and he grabbed us dinner because I was starving, and now I'm home, having played Guitar Hero for the first time, though I bought it well over a month ago (visiting Miami and then GR got in the way). I just snapped harshly at Dani because she was being controlling of my positive listening or whatever that's callled as she told me a story. Shouldn't have snapped so much, but Jesus she's like an autistic kid sometimes, the way she needs to have everything just so or she'll get all wigged out about the smallest thing. Like me responding "uh-huh" at the end of a few sentences. I think I'll sleep beside her tonight, though. It's been a long time since we've done that.
Already getting tired, and that's okay. Told Stan I'd see him at noon tomorrow and help him clean some more. I'm gonna need a good strong meal in me and be ready for work, not to mention a shower is DEFINITELY in order. You don't even wanna know how long I've been wearing these undies. TMI, I know, but it's a fucking journal.
And that's pretty much where I am now.
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| taken from my buddy's fb, from one of his' blogs |
[22 Jan 2010|01:21am] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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"
ok, ok I'll write it down
This means guy and that is a pony tail on a passerby. Here's where it happens. These are when. This is a cassette tape the girl puts in her cassette tape player, she wears it every day its not considered vintage she just likes certain types of music to sound a certain way. Look at her posture its remarkable, that's because she dances. Now he, the guy, takes all of this in and he thinks to himself, "Honestly, jeez, what are my chances?" Now he could say, "Oh my god" or "I heart you," "I'm laughing out loud!" "I wanna give you a hug." But, he comes up with, "I wanna hand paint your portrait on a coffee mug, put a crab inside it add some water and seven different salts." What he means is he's got this sudden notion to stand on dry line but just pan handle at the ocean. He says "you look like a mermaid, but you walk like a waltz," and the girl goes "wuh?"The guy goes "Yeah, I know, I know I... I think my heart beat might be the Morse Code for 'inappropriate,' at least that's how it seems. I'm like a junior varsity cheerleader, sometimes; for swearing, awkward silences, and very simple rhyme schemes. Right now, talking to you, I'm not even really a guy. I'm a monkey blowing kisses at a butterfly. But I'm still suggesting you and I should meet. First soon, and then a lot. I'm thinking the southwest corner of 54th and 42nd at noon tomorrow. But I'll stay until you show up, pony tail or not, hell pony tail alone. I don't know what else to tell you, I got a pencil you can borrow you can put it in your phone. But the girl does not budge, does not smile, does not frown she just says "No thank you" you know..."
Off to see the wizard, tomorrow. Hope the drive and the trip goes well. Knock on wood.
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| "so did you enjoy my girl?"- Eddie |
[19 Jan 2010|07:20pm] |
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
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music |
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Her. |
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A sweet kitten is sleeping on my chest. I've slept all day, myself, recovering from drink and too little eat last night. I need to go grocery shopping very soon. Tonight, even. :)
Moreso, I find the question a cute form of light possessiveness. Even if she won't admit it, I know what to call her.
Anyway, I fooled around with a guy last night. Lost the dyke gold star, if you consider that lost when you don't have sex. In my mind, it is so, not that I care. Either way, it's not much of a loss, as I'm still a dyke, a lesbian, and anything that teaches you more abour yourself without taking is no loss at all. My pride isn't hurt, my feminist isn't hurt, and I'm gladly, still only into chicks. So, the world is good, had a bit of fun, it wasn't too bad (as a matter of fact, it was just fine), but still not the same. I dunno how to put my finger on it, though I may try: There's still only one way to say it: I like women. *shrug* I can't say what's missing, or what's so different as to be too different, as there's truly nothing I can think of. I found nothing disgusting in the time we spent, I could enjoy him and his touch, touching him, caring for his pleasure (the top in me requires it), it all felt fine. It just didn't get me worked up. I suppose all there is to be scared of now is that if I continue it'll start to grow on me, but you know, I kinda doubt it.
I'm thrilled that she coo'd when I said, "Me, too. (concurring that my sex drive is also lower in my lover's absence)." I mean, I can't say that a fine female wouldn't get me going, but I can't be sure. I guess I think about the curly-headed one from time to time, but she stimulates my mind and makes me a bit... intrigued? Nonetheless, the former she's (as opposed to the latter, curly-headed) response showed me how much she cares that I think only of her, in truth. And I've decided I'd be more than happy to have just that.
Told her I wanted to be with her. And what I meant by that. It would be too difficult, so there's a tentative date in the future, but God knows that's so/too far. Still, it wouldn't serve either of us well to have a girlfriend consistently out of reach. And it seems she has disloyalty fears. I understand it's best to play it safe, but c'mon now. I don't fear for her loyalty, and innocent touches and such are none of my concern.
But I suppose I should be concerned about myself. Hypothetical situations that arise on my future travels, hot chicks inviting me home and such, would I want to pass that up? I know from past experience that I wouldn't be too tempted at all, but yet, why should I not indulge and take all the good experiences that are no doubt to come my way upon travels (beauty, truth, love, sex, etc.). Nonetheless, I can't deny one thought that hasn't left for the better part of 45 days: I want her mine, and I want me hers. She says we are, and I agree, but I'm not one for the color grey. If in my head, and in my want, this is all there is to it, why deny the name?
Breathing occasionally makes a light vibration in the lower left portion of my lungs. Time to stop smoking completely.
Also, the small number of pushups I've been doing has been keeping my back and shoulders and chest sore. Wonderful. Though I'm sure snogging about doesn't hurt, either. Maybe that's a good reason to screw around.
Vaya con Dios.
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| b4 i forget |
[16 Jan 2010|09:13pm] |
rayray1ll (8:57:00 PM): I dreamt that... that I was travelling and narrating that I love being in a place that was really rainy
rayray1ll (8:57:34 PM): and I walked up on to this mount, and it had a great view of a huge field. And it was raining a little.
rayray1ll (8:57:53 PM): but then it wasn't, and I saw a sign, like a postsecret card, a secret written on the grass
rayray1ll (8:58:27 PM): It didn't make too much sense, but it was from someone that had graduated NMU. Talking about how they were happy, and what they loved
rayray1ll (8:58:34 PM): but I didn't read the whole message before I woke up
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| staying up |
[10 Jan 2010|06:32am] |
my sleep schedule is truly intriguing. I can't even put my finger on it. I deny sleep for the sake of doing what I want, which lately has consisted of
Reading info by beatniks, and learning about beatniks. I'm intrigued by their work, but my true purpose is my own: Traveling the country starting in April, and preparing myself for that journey. My primary concern is going where there are people who have lived, and not just white tourist yuppies. Not interested. I want to see poor, and hungry, and everyday folks. I want to learn, and help, and develop passions in finding where I am needed.
More on that later. Just wanted to say so.
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| 2010, first one |
[02 Jan 2010|11:59pm] |
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mood |
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 curious |
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I've been writing more, just not here. That's not fair, eh? I read all of yours, usually more than once a week. I'm going to stop going back and correcting typos, something, probably this wireless keyboard, sucks.
Life is nearing enlightenment. And still I have a lot of fear left. I don't know how to make myself useful, and what's more, I fear that I will forget to do so. I feel already threatened by time. I will travel the states, and hopefully a call comes to me in my travels. I just have no idea how that should happen. Perhaps faith is key, here. Hopefully, as long as I keep my schedules tentative, I can answer my calls, if God willing they are given. But still, how the hell shall I find one? Sitting on a corner, drinking coffee, taking in the sights? Will someone passing out fliers offer me the opportunity to save souls? Will someone ask me to help carry their groceries? I doubt it, friend. But, here's hoping.
Miami is fine, and a beautiful place to live right now. I'm lazy as ever, but every second I try to be good to everyone. My father has gotten the worst of me, and perhaps Carrie, and Eddie did, once. 1) I snapped at Dad, 2) I denied Carrie my love out of spite, 3) I spoke angrily to Eddie, briefly, before remembering how much better it feels to approach disagreements from a cooperative stance. Or at least with a goal of cooperation. And Carrie, well, things have been strained. And Dad, we're actually better than usual.
So all that's left is for me to appreciate Mom more. I wonder what she'd like.
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| taking a break |
[19 Dec 2009|07:42pm] |
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mood |
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thoughtful |
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music |
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Good Fucking Bye- Alkaline Trio |
] |
to breathe.
My days have been too quick, and my heartbeat now is rushing and rushing with the inertia of a freshly-pausing me. I feel the tension brimming, then sloshing over my heart and into my chest, compressing me with imploding weight.
I breathe, and try to push it out of me in controlled, confident breaths. "Release. You have no purpose here any more. It is said, it is done, and I have won. You are a remnant of a time passed. No purpose."
Every once in a while it's gone. I can't imagine why it would stick around, and I wonder, too introspective, if there's something bothering me. Not that I know of.
I need to read. I need to work out. I need to make good use of myself, and become strong enough to lift anything I'd want to with ease. I need to learn all the things that will come in handy along my travels. I need to become useful to this world. All this time, I've been racking up points: an education, scholarship, skillzz, and now this degree that in its dealing sets me free. I need to go spend some of those points. "I promise, if you give me time, I'll come back to you as worthwhile a being as you ever did see. I will serve you, and I will be yours to put to the task." Now that time is gone, and the task hasn't come into focus.
I miss my guitar. I miss it so much. I miss my place in Marquette, and want to play Guitar Hero, which I just purchased for myself as a graduation present. Florida isn't home any more, even if the weather is priceless, warm and cool and fresh and sunny. In the thick of December, what's more. I love it. But this place, my mom's is no longer home. She is too much a mother. Too hoarding, stuck in her ways, controlling, doting. Leave me be, please, for just a minute! Silence serves us so well, sometimes, please don't forget.
But it's been alright. We'll see how this hawk goes over, and three more weeks besides this one to drive me madder than a hatter. Boy oh boy, was it a bad call to leave Marquette so quickly, in the haste of arrangements made in the thick of depressed and clinging, bereaving vengeance.
(I had promised Dani I'd spend this birthday with her, when she and I were still together, if she promised to make this one better than the last. So when all the rest went down, I tore all possibilities of making her happy with my presence into shards.) And here I am, further from the one I now call my girl, more quickly than I would have it.
Such is life. I need air from all that business as it is. Like always, things are going too quickly in my heart, and with the newfound opportunities of sharing freedom and love, why not at least try it on for size. As long as I don't think of her with another, I'm square. Blegh to silliness. Blegh to my inability to bear space with grace and my usual coolness.
Lovin' the hawk. Lovin' the stares. Lovin' how it makes me more comfortable being kind, as my presentation is now a bit harder. Here's to my old man being able to bite the bullet. His birthday is coming up on Tuesday.
Worked out today, and killed every muscle worth killing. My back, my abs, my arms, my shoulders, my neck, my glutes, they ACHE. It feels delicious. It had been too long. Gotta be able to throw women and heavy items around with a bit more ease before I'm happy with my lot. So here's to it!
Alright, it's all out, I think. Faretheewell.
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| so... |
[03 Sep 2009|10:33pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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how do you hit on women so they know you think they're pretty and whatnot but you don't just want to hop in bed with them, you actually want to get to know them and stuff?
Without being way too intense. I'm going for funny, charming, sweet, here.
God help me. I am way too serious.
I also catch way too many crabs in crew and today it really killed my elbow.
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| I think I forgot to post this before... |
[03 Sep 2009|10:09pm] |
7/17/09
So here I am, my first time camping alone. All’s going well so far, aside from being slightly disillusioned with friends. Oh well, I am happy to have my alone time. Not to mention I am a little scared being out here in the woods all alone. Bla bla, you know. I’m not concerned, because I have a knife next to me. And I have taken other precautions. But I don’t know why someone would stumble upon me. Dinner was good, the fire started quickly. I hope for the same tomorrow, since I was silly enough to leave all the firestarters and wood outside. Might be a little damp tomorrow, but maybe not. Nonetheless, I have food that doesn’t need to be cooked, so I should be alright. I am a little scared of bears, I’ll admit. LOL
I can hear people wooing at Hiawatha. Maybe I would go to hear the music if I knew who was playing and had a flashlight, since I’m so far away from the designated campsite, but I’m not really interested. I just chose today because there’d be a lot of people around if I needed them. And the music sounds fine from here. The night is much less interesting than the day, and darned if I’m not already tired at 11:30p. But I have been walking all day. I got in, got my wristband, found my campsite.
They were already out of tent spots or whatever they are, and the lady who sold me my wristband asked me like three times to make sure I wasn’t going to set up a tent. But I lied mwa ha. Instead I just walked way away, set my stuff up on the mountain ROTC uses for balaying or whatever the word is. Walked through the woods to find a parking spot closer to my campsite. Found a little drive that cops must use, and drove my car there and brought in the rest of my stuff, cooler and such.
Set up my tent and bag, grabbed firewood, grabbed stones to create a ring, took some pictures, hiked around, met some friends and random kids from Marquette that were really cool. They took me and whoever else was brave enough through these crevice caves in a rock mountain nearby. It was fucking awesome and exhilarating and damn scary, I’ll admit. Okay, it is bed time. Good night!
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| chary is the word of the day. |
[29 Aug 2009|08:39am] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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Back and forth.
Joining crew. Went to "tryouts" yesterday and performed the swim test, watched a silly rowing safety video, then learned soon-to-be-proper technique.
Miracle Whip really needs to stop peddling its product to the 18-24 crowd. Their commercials do not make one bit of sense. Miracle Whip =/= Rebellious
Man, organizations need to lose some love for their products.
I am so hungry. Work from 8a-4p, and I felt way too nauseous this morning to eat. It's because Dani slept at Jay's house. I wish she would just chill the eff out on this whole situation, but I suppose I couldn't slow down either, when I was more immature. *sigh* Just sucks to be involved in it. I keep fantasizing about fighting her. We watched Ellen do stand up last night, though, before she dipped. It was a good time.
Other cool things aside from crew (hopefully the weather clears up here so we can hit the water today and tomorrow), are Radio X dj-ship, and TAing for PY 100. I prepped yesterday for my radio show, so whenever I get trained in enough to play my own (non-cursing) music, I'll be ready. Tossed some good songs in a playlist. I need to get music from SayJay, though. She's got such good taste in music. *tear for all my lost music*
So friggin' tired. I slept with the mitten-kitten, Dori, last night. She is not the calmest bedmate, and jumped on my head and played with my hands a lot. When she's been playing out in the house, she will NOT stay out of Puck's cage, which is a pain because Puck needs his space. They've been playing well, out in the living room and such. Nonetheless, a bunny needs his space.
So sleepy. I hope the weather clears up. I want to grill out, and I want to hit the water.
Ooh! And cross your fingers for me! Eddie and I are planning on roadtripping downstate to visit her Holland hometown, and potentially to also visit Ms. OMFGI<3UErin. I would be so freaking happy to see her beautiful face and that awesome smile and her dreamy eyes. Whoa, just thinking about her and imagining her has lifted my spirits. Very nice.
I need to think of some nice presents to get her. I know she likes creative, natural things, and tea, and is vegetarian. Maybe a book and one or two other thingys? I dunno, God. Just thinking about giving her a present makes me feel so embarassed-shy-awkward. Like some little kid with a crush on her kindergarten teacher. I just have no idea how to approach her with my liking. The lust isn't a problem, but man.
Eddie says I should be careful, because Erin isn't looking for a relationship. Not that I'm trying to shove her into a relationship box, but I call bs on that. From what I've heard Erin, she's still heartbroken, and I respect that, and she wants to be free because she has a problem with dependency, and I respect that too.
I told Eddie how I felt and she seemed kind of touched: "You really care about her, don't you?" "YES!"
I mean, I just called her eyes "dreamy." Wtf, Ray?
I really can't foresee any problems with just getting to know each other. Aside that we may become attached. But I'll try and hold it back, and should that happen we certainly live far enough from each other to have our own lives. Here's hopin', folks!
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| new year and enlightenments abound |
[02 Jan 2009|02:09am] |
These past few days have been, of course, rough. But still, I'm having an awesome time. Went to Churchill's for New Year's. Awesome live music. Made me want to fuckin be one with everyone.
Movie day today. Watched "The Day the Earth Stood Still" with Mom. It was pretty good. I also watched a Joseph Campbell film. High. It made me think.
How many fucking times do I have to install the activex control onto my lappy to upload an freaking album on fb?! Goddamn shitty wireless connection. At least this desky has a good connection.
I'm also listening to the music that Rica gave me. All of her music. Mostly it's been good. I should dl from JFizzle, SJ, and whoever else, really. I do miss the feeling of music being "mine," though. But we're on our way.
Cross your fingers for me.
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| doot doot |
[19 Aug 2008|06:09pm] |
So Harry Potter has been delayed until next summer. My sweetheart is definitely upset over that, but I admit I am a bit as well. Shawn can vouch for my ultra-nerdy anticipation at Harry Potter films. Speaking of Shawn, I must admit I miss that kid.
Work is lame. Duh.
Yesterday we picked up a way mediocre bag, but good times were definitely had last night. It was Adam's last night in town. He's Erica's boyfriend, and he's a pretty cool guy. Even if he is big and occasionally pokes fun at me for being small. I think I could take him.
*snarf*
This week is going to be hellacious if I can't get someone to take part of my shifts. I do not want to work 40+ hours the week before school.
I am excited that I only have to purchase two books this semester. The rest I have. Surprisingly, the school was offering the best price for these books. Maybe I just looked on amazon and half too late, and all the books were taken. *shrug* No harm done.
We've got some new people here on the job. I've been helping them out, which is pretty awesome. Yesterday a noob sat and listened in on my calls to get trained. It was the first time I've actually trained someone. Made me feel like a seasoned veteran here.
*sigh*
I am ready to leave work, though. And eat a ton of delicious food. Hopefully that card gets to me soon. I want delicious foodstuffs.
Which reminds me that I forgot to take Dani out to the Lagniappe yesterday. On Mondays they have a band, I hear. Maybe next Monday, since I won't be working.
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| dood is nice/ Ah! The hetero-normative paradigm! |
[18 Aug 2008|07:52pm] |
Randa, I liked your vid. Awesome.
Shawn, you have an awesome chest. Annnd, I likes your LOLObama. Very nice.
I also liked this little tidbit.
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/455262
Yes, I like Da NG.
I'm going home soon. Things have been nice. Erica's moved in. The house is in good enough order. Dani is beautiful.
Things were rough for a little while, but we both decided to just stop in our tracks and take a new path. Started new, and things are well.
( Landlord Rant. )
It's really pretty in MQT. Sunday was mid-80s and I was just about roasting. There have been a few days of relaxation, and I am appreciative. Leaving work in about half an hour.
Dani and I were also accepted for the Food Assistance Program, so that's pretty awesome. I'm excited to be able to eat awesome, healthy, delicious varieties of food. Oh, and meat!
Also donated plasma for the first time. That was not half bad, and I was amazed to learn a bit about the usefulness of my blood-proteins. I ate beans and an egg and toast and other things for breakfast, but was still starving as hell after the process. None the worse for wear, though. Mom wouldn't be happy if she knew I'd done it, but she doesn't have to know.
I asked her what she thought about it, and she goes off on some craziness about lazy hobos getting my precious fluids. Reminds me of Dr. Strangelove.
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| listen |
[31 Jul 2008|05:54pm] |
I don't care if you guys think this is weird; I think it's sweet and awesome. My teeth are happy-bunny-chattering.
So's I gets a call at work from a very pleasant old woman. A little ...old and she said she was waaay legally blind.
Anyway, I helped her out a bit and she's calling back tomorrow to see if we have better gas rates available. Hee. But anyway, she said she loved me before she hung up.
I think that's sweet.
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| termites |
[27 Jun 2008|05:45pm] |
So, Dani told me she's found termites in a couple of books in the house. So, being a good Samaritan, I just contacted our landlord to give them a heads up.
Me- Hi, Denise, it's Rachael.
Her- Hello.
Me- Just wanted to let you know, Dani and I found a couple of termites in our books. I don't know a lot about them, but Dani says they can really get to a house, so I thought I'd let you know.
Her- Oh... do you think the rabbits might have brought them?
Me- O_o Uhm... I don't know very much about termites, but based on my knowledge they eat wood and paper.
Her- Well, we've never had them before, is all. What did you do with them?
Me- (lying and pretty annoyed at this point, as I personally did not find any termites) We killed them.
Her- If you find any more, put them in a jar.
Me- Okay, thanks a lot. Goodbye.
*click*
Maybe she's never heard of termites. Or maybe she wants to milk us for all we're worth. What a strange person. That's the last favor I do my landlords.
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| soooo |
[26 Jun 2008|02:33pm] |
I am currently reliving Shawn's situation with landlord vs. pets. Thus, Dani and I are looking for a new place. The search is hard, and we miss the bunnies. They are currently at Jason's, which is like a five minute walk. Still, it's hard, and this bs has really made Dani and I hate our previous loveshack.
I guess it's exciting to try and find a new place, but the search is a little dry. There's one hot lead so far, but it's a foreclosure and the landlord needs to do a lot of work. I just hope Dani and I don't end up on somebody's couch for a month. *crosses fingers*
It would be awesome to live with Reeks. I hope that the house is big enough. It is really cute, washer/dryer, even a fireplace. Oooh!
Anyway, wish me luck, guys!
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anemptymind's journal
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